Apologies

I'm no good at this.

I've gotten too used to working alone. To being alone. I hole myself up, as it has become my way, and I do my work peacefully and quietly. I make myself small. It's not like it used to be. I am not the man that I used to be. Because of this, nothing gets done. Nothing has gotten done, except one incredibly rushed, incredibly botched job.

This is unprofessional. It's not what I wanted this operation to be about, not us, not me. Our feelings don't factor into the thing.

But of course, they do. They always have, or we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here, if I hadn't felt so strongly about the thing. You can't always get what you want, and I was a fool to think this would turn out exactly as I planned it in my head. I've so long been by myself, enacting small-scale work that always goes right, that I've forgotten what it is to do something bigger. Something better.

So I'm apologizing, here, for the lack of updates and work on our part. On my part. I'm apologizing for my failures.

Going forward, our priority will be jobs. No more, no less. Our duty is to the community, and I intend for us to serve it as best we can. That, at least, I would like to go as planned. Ellen has a private delivery she is about to leave for, in a day or two, and that is partially what inspired this post. However many resources I possess, it is our ragtag group that holds this operation together, and our personal convictions and considerations are an important part of that. I've been denying that for too long, and I believe I should have listened to Ellen sooner on this matter. She has been telling me all along that each of us brings unique, human aspects to this Courier business. If we don't address that directly, we will fail, as the Couriers before us failed. My mistake was in seeking to avoid our humanity altogether, as they did not, rather than facing it, embracing it, doing what I can to avoid the problems associated with it.

While I cannot change what has come before, and how I have failed the community recently, I can hope to correct this mistake in the future. I hope that you will all be patient as I, and my team, try to work out the kinks in our operation, as well as the kinks in our own selves, which significantly change the nature of how we work.

I am not alone. And I am not small. I can do something greater than myself, greater than the things I have been involved with in the past. Although it may turn out differently than I imagine, it is no less important that it be done, and I will work together with many others to make it happen. My team, the community, and those of you still looking to this blog for any reason at all as well. Here's to hoping all goes well, if nothing else.

-Malcolm